Jersey Shore is back!
You guys, the episode opens with Snooki having to waddle up onto a stool because she’s too short to have her passport photo taken, until this moment, I was unsure if I would make it through the full season, but I am IN. Then Snooks gives us a geography lesson (Europe is the big country and then you’ve got Great Britain then Italy) and I set my Tivo Season Pass. MNDR is playing in the background and that is awesome—way to go music supervisor (she’s a great musician and a total sweetheart, check her out!).
Pauly D says he’s ready for an International Panty Raid. Deena!!! I missed you meatball. She classily tells us that she “won’t do sex” until she figures Italian guys out. Vinny says he wants to master Italian, and find a nice, traditional Italian girl. Vinny’s sense of superiority is so baffling. Snooki explains that since she’ll be in Italy and her boyfriend Gionni will be in the US they’ll be “kind of long distance”. I missed her. Ugh The Situation camera-greases that if Snooks loses a few pounds he’d hit it. I did not miss him. J-WOWW! And she’s still with Roger! UGHHHH RONNIE can we leave him at home. I don’t know what bullshit he spews about his drama being over with Sam because I experienced a rage blackout which mercifully lasted through Sammi’s miserable intro.
The girls have dinner at Snooki’s and the boy’s meet at Vinny’s. Vinny’s uncle recounts a somehow even grosser version of “if there’s grass on the field…” telling Vinny “lift their arms, if there’s hair there, you’re good to go”. Ew. Snooki and Deena mostly grunt and squeal, and I clip the audio for my ringtone.
Airport. There’s a strange ‘Amazing Race’ plotline going on for no reason. The guys have a layover in Madrid, and are desperate to beat the girls to Italy. The ladies have their layover in ‘Dumbledorf’ (love you Snooki) and aren’t in as much of a rush. Wavves’ ‘Take On The World’ starts playing and my head spins. Watching Snooki push her towering stack of zebra luggage complete with giant stuffed Croccodilly is pure bliss, Deena falls and we reach nirvana. Vinny wants to kiss the Italian ground and feel the Italian sun on his Italian skin. Shut up, Vinny.
Everyone arrives at the house. MTV puts Ronnie and Sam’s hug in slow motion and puts dramatic orchestral music behind it. We’re rewarded for enduring the hug with shots of Deena and Snooki grunting as they drag their bags up the stairs. Pauly’s blown out (pun intended) his second blow dryer of the trip and it’s like 5pm the first night.
The cast walks through the streets of Italy pointing at attraction after attraction saying “What’s that? What’s that?”. They finally settle on something they can all understand a “Carris-Wheel” and they ride it. Mike tells Deena he thought/hoped Snooki would be single, and predicts that she will be before the end of the season. Stay strong Snooki! Sammi has gained weight, she’s back to her Season 1 body type, lending credence to my eating disorder theory. Snooki asks Sam if she would take Ron back if he asked her on a romantic date. Cut to, Ron making a fart noise at Sammi.
The girls sit on the patio and are attacked by pigeons. Deena tells us that she “doesn’t do birds” and earning my favorite moment of the season so far yells “Who flies that close!?” at the bird SO EARNESTLY.
Mike sits on the patio with Ronnie and reveals that he and Snooki hooked up 2-3 months ago while she was with Gionni! Drama! In an even more desperate bid to get screen time Mike lies that he’s “starting to like Snooki a little bit”. Ronnie makes me hate him a little less by saying “She’s gonna fuck up that situation to get with The Situation” you could see the wheels turning in Ronnie’s head trying to spit that one out.
They hit the club. They complain that the language barrier is making it harder to meet girls, but I really don’t see how that can be true as they were never really wordsmiths in New Jersey. Mike tries to makeout with Snooki, Deena makes out with Pauly. AND OH MY GOD IT IS SO GROSS. Deena I love you, but no, I cannot believe that wasn’t blurred out. The episode finally ends.